Critics Page
Liar’s Pie #3
- The United States of America does not have an official language. We speak a fugitive tongue on stolen land, dance to the music of stolen peoples, and laugh as our leaders eat us from the inside out.
- Not all the best years are behind you, just the ones you can remember.
- In places like Arizona and Hawaii where people don’t observe daylight savings, there is no need for more daylight. The extra daylight is farmed and shipped overseas to people living in mines. This is most fitting, as the entomologist, George Hudson, who first proposed this idea in 1895, would have more daytime to study bugs living underground.
- There is a secluded meditation retreat situated in the Black mountains of New Hampshire and North Carolina where visitors, through regressive triangulation meditation (RTM), are able to isolate and amend memories of cancelled celebrities. The process extracts even formative childhood memories of these individuals. The process requires at least two other people from your life for the 3–14 day workshops to be effective.
- The Library of Congress has over 16 million books. No books sent to the library can be rejected on any grounds. Therefore, it has the largest collection of formerly and currently censored works in the country. It is protected 24 hours a day by armed guards, undercover readers, and trained civets. Over its 220-year history, there have been 131 children birthed under its roof. The cornerstone of the library is set in Africa, as its oldest book is a collection of Sumerian cuneiform tablets from 2100 BC.
- At the National Cathedral in DC, hidden amongst all the ornamentation, there is a gargoyle with the face of Darth Vader. It is hard to see from the ground below and many even deny the photographic evidence. As a child (and sometimes as an adult), I called him Dark Vader, black and shiny as a starless sea. He held in his empty hand more fear than we could ever wish for. Bullies were Skywalkers. Vader was invisible; we knew he was Black even though the credits never said so. For most of my young life, we were maligned and attacked, Dark and I. To this day, Luke is called the hero but Vader was the one who destroyed the Empire.
- Every holiday they fight and scream and sometimes break inexpensive (cheap) things they can afford to replace. And somehow they manage to finish the entire meal (including dessert). Somehow they manage to cut each other to the bone and then gang up to blame the knife. And every year they vow to burn it all down. Every year they vow never to forget.
- Narwhal tusks are actually teeth not horns.
- New York City has the highest concentration of psychics in the world. It inadvertently led to the term/phrase YAK, youalreadyknow!! This psychic tradition is also noted in the local proverb “you should have known that in the first place,” marking the eventual reveal as the starting point of the experience.
